The Trojan Letter Project
by tomfool
Summary: The Trojan War as observed by Eris, the goddess who started it all. Concept: What would happen if the Gods used email to communicate.
1. Intro

**Title: **The Trojan Letter Project

**Rating:** So G it ain't even funny

This was written for a project for my English class in HS, and later the concept was modified for a college course in Greek Mythology. May not make sense unless you've read up on the Trojan War, and may be highly insulting to the intelligence of those who take the topic too seriously.

If that hasn't warned you off then continue to the first chapter and meet your narrator, Eris.


	2. email 1

1Date: 1213 B.C.E.

To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god 

From: appletosserdiscordian.god 

Subject: invitations

Dearest Father,

I just finished chatting with Ares on GMN. Imagine my surprise when he informed me that he had just come from the rehearsal dinner for Peleus and Thetis. I had no idea the two were to be wed. I guess my invitation must have been lost. stares pointedly Hermes is getting so careless these days.

I hope to hear from you soon in regards to the date and time of the wedding.

Your humble daughter,

Eris


	3. email 2

1Date: 1213 B.C.E.

To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god 

From: appletosserdiscordian.god 

Subject: gifts 

Father, 

While I know it wasn't _your_ job to plan the guest list, I expected to at least have been informed that I had not been invited. Regardless, I have sent along a novel wedding gift anyway. I figured I might as well do something creative, and when I saw it among the peddler's goods, I knew that it was perfect for the honeymoon. Don't let them know what it is, I want them to figure it out for themselves, but I figured I might as well let you in on it. I've sent them a whack-and-unwrap chocolate apple. They really are very tasty. The gift card should be flattery enough to get me invited to the anniversary party at least. 

I must go for now, but I do expect wedding photos soon. 

Yours, 

Eris 


	4. email 3

1Date: 1195 B.C.E. 

To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god 

From: appletosserdiscordian.god 

Subject: Stupid People!!! 

Daddy Dearest, 

OMG!!! rolls her eyes Those stupid Goddesses are soooooooo ignorant! I can't believe that they would start a war over chocolate. Had I known that, I would have sent along a dozen apples. sigh They are greedy aren't they. Well I guess there's naught to be done about it now. They've gone and done it, and we must now see it through.

Ares was telling me tonight that he was preparing to go to war to support the Trojans, and all because of that silly bint Aphrodite. I spent the better part of an hour trying to convince him that just because he was sleeping with her doesn't mean that he has to go and encourage war to defend her so called 'honor.' Geez! It amazes me how petty some goddesses can be.

You can tell Hera and Athena that if they really want chocolate apples so much they can go look up a silly girl named Snow White, she's awful fond of apples, from what I've heard. 

I have to go, but I plan on keeping in touch. This war may be ruinous, but it will certainly be fun! 

Later, 

Eris 


	5. email 4

1Date: 1190 B.C.E. 

To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god 

From: appletosserdiscordian.god 

Subject: Tug of War, so to speak 

Dad, 

Back and forth, back and forth. First the Trojans, then the Greeks. I don't have a clue who's winning, all's I know is that every day that goes by, a hundred or so lives are lost. Bet Uncle Hades is overjoyed. All those new people coming in droves to the underworld.

I just want this thing to be over with so I can find out if I won my bet or not. I bet 23 apple trees to Hephestus that the Trojans will be defeated, but not before the Greeks have lost most of their leadership. I don't know how much of this tug of war I can stand before I'll interfere. Seriously, these mortals have no idea how to wage war, there is no strategy, it's just killing day in and day out. sigh

I have to get back to tracking the progress on my new website www.discordia.god . 

Your daughter, 

Eris 


	6. email 5

1Date: 1184 B.C.E. 

To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god 

From: appletosserdiscordian.god 

Subject: Stubborn Greeks 

Father, 

I can't believe how stubborn that Agamemnon is! Just because he wanted a concubine is no reason to cause death and destruction among his own troops. How petulant. I almost expected him to start pouting. Who would be stupid enough to take the daughter of a priest captive! It's like he didn't think the dad would complain to Apollo. And then to refuse to give her back until Achilles forced him to. Poor Chryseis! sigh

I'll never get men, they can be so thick sometimes! I must say, I'm rather glad that Apollo decided to rain down those arrows of his on them. Maybe this war will end very soon after all. 

Must go back to updating the website, remember to sign the guestbook. 

Lots of luv, 

Eris


	7. email 6

1Date: 1184 B.C.E. 

To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god 

From: appletosserdiscordian.god 

Subject: Ohh! That silly bint 

Dad, 

Ohhh, that Aphrodite! How could she just disregard all your warnings?! I mean, it's kind of obvious that the gods are interfering if someone coughaphroditecough insists on sweeping up people in a cloud as they are about to die. But then again, if it weren't for Hera and Athena then the war would have ended in a truce. Imagine, just because they were jealous, they go and make Pandarous shoot that arrow. 

I have to tell you though, I can't feel sorry for Ares, even if he is my brother. As much as I hate most of the goddesses right now, I can't help but be happy that Athena succeeded in doing what I could not, getting Ares out of the war. He can be such a baby! You know, he actually came over here looking for revenge, and when I told him I was goddess of discord, not revenge, he actually threatened to sic Aphrodite on me! I asked him what he was gonna do, make me fall in love with an apple tree?

Toodles, 

Eris


	8. email 7

1Date: 1184 B.C.E. 

To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god 

From: appletosserdiscordian.god 

Subject: Stupid Achilles! 

Dad, 

Achilles is such and idiot! He reminds me so much of Ares that it isn't funny. He goes off pouting just because he had to give up his concubine to save his people! What A BABY! How could someone just send their best friend off to fight for him with just a gift of armor to protect him. I bet when Patroclus gets killed (and you know he will) that Achilles will be angry that someone dared to kill his friend rather than mourning that his friend is dead. 

By the way, just a heads up, but I saw Hera getting all dolled up a few minutes ago, thought she might be up to something. After all, what reason would _she_ have to get trussed up like a bride on her wedding night? 

Tata for now, 

Eris 


	9. email 8

1Date: 1184 B.C.E. 

To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god 

From: appletosserdiscordian.god 

Subject: Hellenus 

Pop, 

I just received word back from my spies in the Greek army that they have captured the Trojan prince, Hellenus. I know the boy is a seer, but I would never have guessed that he could foretell something of this magnitude. Imagine! Him being able to tell them the three things that must happen before the war could end. He told them that Neoptolemus, the son of Achilles, must enter the war. Also Philoctetes had to bring the arrows of Hercules into the fray, and finally, the Palladium must be carried out of Troy. Of course, Odysseus being the spotlight stealer that he is, _volunteered_ to see that all three things were done. I think he just wanted a vacation, and a chance at glory. GTG. Bye for now! 

Yours, 

Eris 


	10. email 9

1Date: 1184 B.C.E. 

To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god 

From: appletosserdiscordian.god 

Subject: Death 

Father, 

It is hard to imagine all those heroes dead. Hector and Achilles, it was so sad to see such great warriors, even if some ahem of them were a bit childish, pass to the underworld. It is somehow fitting that Achilles kills Hector, and Paris, Hector's brother, kills Achilles. I was horrified by the way that Achilles treated poor Hector's body though. It was positively atrocious! 

It is now clear to me now that the Trojans will win, simply because the Greeks are now so depressed at the loss of their great warrior. Must go post my newest prediction on the site. 

Your daughter, 

Eris 


	11. email 10

1Date: 1184 B.C.E. 

To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god 

From: appletosserdiscordian.god 

Subject: The End 

Father, 

It is finally over! The war is over! I am so glad that this thing is finished. Maybe we can go back to normal, or what passes for it around here, now. I have to feel sorry for poor Andromache. To lose your entire family to another man's family, and then be enslaved by them. It is enough to make me sick. 

To think that all it took to end the war was a bit of strategy. Who said that all along? Moi. The Greeks wouldn't know what to do if Odysseus hadn't come up with that whole 'hide in the big wooden horse' idea. It was rather ingenious, if I do say so myself. I do wonder how those men managed to stay cramped up in that hollow space for so long. I was disappointed at the rather anticlimactic ending. I mean, how boring is it to just kill all the men and take the women as slaves. It is just soooo typical. You'd think after all this time, that they'd come up with something different. 

XOXOX, 

Eris


End file.
